My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I read passionately with a need to know and see the act of reading as an act of cognition and not simply a means of passing time.

Be an outcast. Be pleased to walk alone.

My music is homegrown from the garden of New Orleans. Music is everything to me short of breathing. Music also has a role to lift you up - not to be escapist but to take you out of misery.

Democracy doesn't just consist of holding elections.

The true, unacknowledged purpose of capital punishment is to inspire fear and awe -- fear and awe of the State.

I would give my life to fly in space. It's hard for me to talk about it but I would. I would then, and I will now.

I'm now beginning to feel that the pessimistic vision is not for the movies.

A match made in heaven set the fires in hell.

I find it's better to focus on what's in front of you and to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I never really want to repeat myself, obviously, but even if I do, it's because it is a choice.