My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

my beerdrunk soul is sadder than all the dead christmas trees of the world.

I not only stand on my two feet, but I walk on my two feet for my two feet.

Do not bury our glorious orthodoxy in the treacherous pit of a spurious conservatism.

I hadn't even been looking, not for you, and now you were my heart's desire.

Lincoln did but pour the soul of the nation into the monumental act of universal liberty; and that soul was inspired by the gospel.

If you're going to succeed, you've got to be like one of those punch-drunk fighters in the old Warner Bros. boxing pictures: too stupid to fall down, you just keep slugging and stay on your feet.

I am convinced that through these measures we have reestablished confidence.

I woke up one day to the fact that the earth's surface was made for living plants, not industrial plants.

If you aren't opening doors for people, you are closing them!

Enjoyment of football is part of the social context, and I have lost my faith in this social context.