My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?

No one can help you better than the heavenly Father.

Even this shall pass away

A soldier is a killer painted hero.

When I find an employee who turns out to be wrong for the job, I feel it is my fault because I made the decision to hire him.

Act with honor, and Honor will aid you

Democracy is not a static thing. It is an everlasting march.

I don't remember ever being full of dislike and hatred for people, like some kids I've come across now.

I can't put into words what I think about anything.

Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak.

Hunger is never delicate; they who are seldom gorged to the full with praise may be safely fed with gross compliments, for the appetite must be satisfied before it is disgusted.