My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

It was the age of confidence. Arrogance was epidemic.

That’s pretty much how we get through our own lives, watching television. Smoking crap. Self-medicating. Redirecting our attention. Jacking off. Denial.

The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones. Many have fallen by the edge of the sword but not so many as have fallen by the tongue.

What’s interesting about you is you.

I'm kind of surprised that so many of those other books were almost exactly like mine. They even follow the form. There were some books that even copied the stamp. It shows so little imagination.

I think I prefer the constant renewal. It's almost like sandpapering down any details or any contour of familiarities.

There's no audience to wonderfully get in your way when you're doing a single-camera anything, whether it's a sitcom or drama or film. And I do mean that in the best way.

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard, loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars

...New Beginning to the same old story

Life is a continued struggle to be what we are not, and to do what we cannot.