My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

One day, I decided to be an island. I took off my clothes and walked into the sea, then floated there, bobbing along with the tide, suspended by my inflatable tube and water wings.

God did not ordain that the church should drift aimlessly in the seas of uncertainty without compass, captain, or crew.

It's hard to figure out the secrets of the universe when you're trying to figure out where you and your girlfriend are going to sleep next month.

It’s so real." "Most dreams are. It isn't until you wake up that you see all the plot holes.

I love Vivienne Westwood. So much. Every time I go to London, first thing I do is go in there. It's ridiculous!

I was an intimate sort of child who never spoke up in groups. I preferred close friends.

If you have to do it, you can do it.

The birds that were singing in the dew-drenched garden seemed to be telling the flowers about her.

We cannot diminish the value of one category of human life -- the unborn -- without diminishing the value of all human life . . . there is no cause more important.

When you write a novel you have to live with the characters for a long time. So I prefer short stories. I never wrote anything more than 250 pages.