My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Anyone who imagines they can work alone winds up surrounded by nothing but rivals, without companions. The fact is, no one ascends alone.

When you see something that is wrong, there is something that has to be right.

I'd rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards.

Climbing is, above all, a matter of integrity

Brilliant landing.. We´re trying to keep a low profile, and here you´ve gone and made it look like a meteorite hit.

Once miracles are admitted, every scientific explanation is out of the question.

I really think it's important that my beliefs don't impinge upon what you get from the movie. It's your opinion that matters and it's far more interesting than mine.

I've always thought of my own mind as an unruly parliament, with a feeble leader, with crazy extremist factions.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

The one who has a good friend doesn't need any mirror.