My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Fiction means never letting the pure truth get in the way of a good story.

Those are the voices of my brothers, darling; I love the company of wolves.

To give oneself is the only way of becoming oneself.

I will say that I don't expect anybody to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Or makes them feel like they're putting themselves in a bad position with their job.

I don't have to fight if I don't want to.

People are hurt in love affairs and never recover, more than a boxing match.

There's no such thing as a perfect play. Sometimes you have to protect the life of the play.

I'm just going to punch him and do my best. If the knockout comes, it comes.

If you are looking for vocations, as a community have adoration every day. Once the Missionaries of Charity started daily adoration, their vocations doubled

God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome.