My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

To travel hopefully is better than to have arrived.

A writer who’s a pro can take on almost any assignment, but if he or she doesn’t much care about the subject, I try to dissuade the writer, as in that case the book can be just plain hard labor.

I can either cross the street, or I can keep waiting for another few years of green lights to go by.

If you can build your career around your passions, then you're winning in life; that's one of the best things you can ask for.

Moving from an objective statement of fact to a subjective statement of value does not work, because it leaves open questions that have not been answered.

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

I have advocated postal reform for many years. The parliament said it was an absurd argument. The people have said it was the right thing.

If your opponent offers you a draw, try to work out why he thinks he's worse off

A gasline will help shape our economic future - the same way that oil has shaped our economic present.

You have never had any confidence in him. And if he has no confidence in himself it is because he sees himself through your eyes.