My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Old religious dogma attempts to convince you that you are on a journey to God, then makes you pay tolls along that roadway.

We all love best not those who offend us least, nor those who have done most for us, but those who make it most easy for us to forgive them.

To be a writer, you must write. To be a published writer you must finish what you write and then get what you've written in front of the outside world.

When I imagine changing places with her I get the feeling I do on finishing a novel with a brick-wall happy ending---I mean the kind of ending when you never think any more about the characters.

I think dealing with the U.S. Senate is very different from dealing with the electorate.

Life bites like a dog.

There seems to be some coverage these days that somehow terrorism is not a big problem. Or somehow, national security is all taken care of, and that's just not true.

Christ said, The Truth shall make you free, but Truth is not found once and forever. Truth is eternal, and the quest for Truth must also be eternal.

Sense is never common.

Happiness is the soul's joy in the possession of the intangible.