My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

We do not have control over what happens to us. But we have the courage to conquer.

Never believe you are the best, but believe you are one of the best.

We may achieve climate, but weather is thrust upon us.

My final, considered judgment is that the hardy bulb [garlic] blesses and ennobles everything it touches - with the possible exception of ice cream and pie.

Life is not a fist. Life is an open hand waiting for some other hand to enter it.

Hail nothing full of nothing, nothing is with thee.

There's four biggies. There was Elizabeth I, George III, Victoria, and the current queen, who really dominated four eras.

A fundamental condition of Being is slavery. Man is the slave of God, and God that of His vanity.

Be yourself. The happiest and most successful people are those who feel the most comfortable with themselves.

What did you ASK at school today?