My father, the practical joker, did not care for practical jokes on himself; he did not encourage the practice in me.

In all cities, the better classes - the business men - are the sources of corruption, but they are so rarely pursued and caught that we do not fully realize whence the trouble comes.

Keep your baby eyes (which are the eyes of genius) on what we don't know

The misgovernment of the American people is misgovernment by the American people.

Power is what men seek, and any group that gets it will abuse it. It is the same story.

Morality is only moral when it is voluntary.

You ask men in office to be honest; I ask them to serve the public.

The only thing worth having in an earthly existence is a sense of humor.

I have seen the future, and it works.

The spirit of graft and of lawlessness is the American spirit.

First in violence, deepest in dirt, lawless, unlovely, ill-smelling, irreverent, new; an overgrown gawk of a - village, the "tough" among cities, a spectacle for the nation.

I would prefer a sword to fight duel, but a pen to plan a war.

People feeling the need to live inside of Faraday cages is a sad reflection on modern society that humans are devolving into living inside of safe spaces.

Because in a split second, it's gone.

You have only three real friends: Jesus Christ, Sears Roebuck, and Gene Talmadge.

I won’t kiss you. It might get to be a habit and I can’t get rid of habits.

'The Christmas Song,' by Nat King Cole, is not only a masterful performance; to me it just sounds like the holidays. I've never sung it, because Nat's version is so perfect. I gotta leave it alone.

Should you protect profits? Yes. But run for the hills? No.

"World War III, was the Cold War".

I cannot make the universe obey me. I cannot make other people conform to my own whims and fancies. I cannot make even my own body obey me.

You mustn't take any award so seriously.