My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The New York Hilton is laid out with a competence that would make a computer blush.

Kant and Hegel are interesting thinkers. But I am happy to insist that they are also terrible writers.

There is no evidence that the business cycle has been repealed.

Styling is designing for obsolescence.

Take the joy and bear the sorrow, looking past your hopes and fears: learn to recognize the measured dance that orders all our years.

To be famous when you are young is the fortune of the gods.

Unlike Hillary Clinton, I am not afraid to answer questions about my track record or my accomplishments or my principles.

The heart and soul of network programming is series programming, the weekly repetition of characters you like having in your house.

The supernatural laws of prayer defy the natural laws of time and space.

I'm not really a guy who draws on things from my own past.