My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Sin is all wrong doing.

You realize you can't change the world but it shouldn't stop you from trying.

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

I feel blessed. To live an artistic life, it's a blessing.

The idea of writer as sage is pretty much dead today. I would certainly feel very uncomfortable in the role.

I can record auditions from my office in my home

Dear gourmands! my bowels yearn towards them as a father's toward his children. They are so good natured! They have such sparkling eyes!

There will come a day, when all the lies will collapse under their own weight, and truth will again triumph.

I try to live with the idea that karma is a very real thing. So I put out what I want to get back.

While Resignation gently slopes away, And all his prospects brightening to the last, His heaven commences ere the world be past.