My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

That we don't remember the beginning or the ending of dreams is our unconscious reminding us that it's all about the process.

The very essence of all power to influence lies in getting the other person to participate. The mind that can do that has a powerful leverage on his human world.

I am always the better for open-air breathing, and was certainly meant for the wandering life of the Indian.

It is interesting how fashion filters down and we discover in the "Devil Wears Prada" that we're all prey to trends, even if we think we are not.

But evil fortune has decreed, (The foe of mice as well as men) The royal mouse at last should bleed, Should fall ne'er to arise again.

I think if people give you their time and they haven't got any money then they deserve to get something. Not so that you bribe them to say things that they wouldn't otherwise say.

The conscious mind is easily overwhelmed. The unconscious mind is vast and far more powerful, but by definition we're not aware of it.

Who has suffered? The families of the dead, no doubt. But a greater loss was inflicted on Pakistan because, as I said, we lost the pillars of our society.

Everything you need God already is.