My father was a small claims court jester.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Some people would rather die in their pride, than live in their humility.

Something deep is touched here, something that is good and deep.

Failure to love is almost like murder.

Spotting talent is one of the essential elements of great leadership.

I am one of the sort that lives by throwing stones at other people's glass houses, but I never mean to put up one for them to stone.

God sees the secret springs of human action, and knows the hearts of all living.

If everyone is mature, there is no comedy.

In itself a thought, a slumbering thought is capable of years; and curdles a long life into one hour.

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

The game was two hours, with the commercials. I wish they did that now.