My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

Did universal charity prevail earth would be a heaven and hell a fable.

Architecture should speak of its time and place, but yearn for timelessness.

Isn't hate merely the result of wounded love?

My parents are always supportive of anything their kids do. They point out the pros and cons, but they let you make your own decisions, and when it's bad they stick by you.

All knowledge is in response to a question. If there were no question, there would be no scientific knowledge. Nothing proceeds from itself.

As the sea is beautiful not only in calm but also in storm, so is happiness found not only in peace but also in strife.

We never nicked stuff from other bands because that was a no-no because we were all in the same boat. You don't steal from the poor because, let's face it, they're poor. There's no sense in that.

We remember not the scores and the results in after years; it is the men who remain in our minds, in our imagination.

Writing, for me, is the best occupation I can think of, and there is nothing in the world I would rather do.

There are days when you need someone who just wants to be your sunshine and not the air you breathe.