My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

When you lose your job, you gain ownership of your life

Mistrust all enterprises that require new clothes.

Not, how much of my money will I give to God, but, how much of God’s money will I keep for myself?

I'm excited to see the growth in women's cycling, and I think the Women's Tour has had a really positive impact on that change.

Insecurity is a toxin and confidence is a tonic, so make the choice not to dwell on the worst possible case.

The Brother's eyes narrowed. "But here's something to keep in mind. You ever hurt him on purpose and I will consider you my enemy.

It's bizarre. In middle school, I thought girls were running away from me, so when they ask for a picture now, I'm like, 'Really, what?!'

"Gun-wielding recluse gunned down by local police" isn't the epitaph I want. I am hoping for "Witnesses reported the sound up to two hundred kilometers away" or "Last body part finally located".

The strength of Donald Trump as a candidate - and I'm not in any way defending moral convictions or anything of the sort - was that he says what he means, you know where he stands.

You can awaken each day to obligations you never chose — or you can decide now to choose them.