My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

Why do you want to be on The Real World?-Because I want everyone to witness my youthWhy?-Isn't it gorgeous?

Irony of the day: arthritis medication with a cap that old people can't get off, because of their arthritis.

My words are like Mummy: butterflies trapped inside a net.

World Screen is a great resource-the perfect one-stop guide to what matters most in global entertainment.

If you don't have a righteous objective,eventually you will suffer. When you do the right thing for the right reason,the right result awaits.

I think I'm going to my grave without swimming from Cuba to Florida.

Somebody who attacks everybody has something missing.

When one culture has the big guns and the other has none, there is a certain predictablity about the outcome.

The measure of love is to have no mean, the end to be everlasting.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.