My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Don't compare yourself with someone else's version of happy or thin. Accepting yourself burns the most calories.

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

I always feel slightly sorry to be the voice of whatever I'm experiencing.

I'd like a pop-up magazine with 45 articles on Russell Crowe. I'm like a teenager. I'd have 'Teen Beat' if I could, for grown-ups.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I grew up thinking that if I wanted to go be prime minister, I could.

I always like to think I'm having a dinner party, and I'm the host, and the audience are my guests.

I was just the youngest in the family, and most in desperate need of attention.

I loved her for what I couldn't understand about her. Love searches for the mystery in the beloved, seeks the unknowable.

The distinction between the world of commerce and that of "culture" quickly became the distinction between infrastructure and superstructure, with the former clearly determining the latter.

To want to meet an author because you like his books is as ridiculous as wanting to meet the goose because you like pate de foie gras.

Compassion, along with love, is the face of altruism.

Every fellow is really two men -- what he is and what he might be; and you're never absolutely sure which you're going to bury till he's dead.

I change every day. I'm still changing.

When you're a little bit dumb and naive things get done that no one believed could be done.

I always bring my kids vacation souvenirs printed in Comic Sans, so they know I love them but not unconditionally.

Hope is one of those no-win-no-fee things, and although it needs some encouragement to survive, its existence doesn't necessarily prove anything.

Despotism is a long crime.