My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Author says her father was so diplomatic that when people came to him for solutions, people not only accepted them, but they believed they thought of them.

To speak little is natural. Therefore a gale does not blow a whole morning nor does a downpour last a whole day.

I was completely unhealthy, obese, so I committed to running three miles every morning for six months and following a strict diet, and 100 pounds came off.

Out where the handclasp's a little stronger, Out where the smile dwells a little longer, That's where the West begins.

Poetry itself is music. I'm just lucky that I can convert it into music.

It is a wonderful thing if one can use one's place of work as a place of spiritual practice as well.

...Sometimes I suspect that what had really happened was that we became more resigned, more cynical, raised our pain thresholds as we lowered our expectations. All in all, settled for less.

He loved me. He loved me, but he doesn't love me anymore, and it's not the end of the world.

We will see how the issue will turn out when they come to Baghdad.

I'm NOT lost, they just moved my street.