My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

We're too different now. We want different things. And this?" I say nodding at our hands. "All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off

I preferred the world of imagination to the death of sleep

Even the most pragmatic person fell victim at times to a longing for something other.

When you see the Statue of Liberty, you will be in America.

Memory inevitably romanticizes, pressing reality to recede like pain.

Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you.

Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness.

It is my melancholy fate to like so many people I profoundly disagree with and often heartily dislike people who agree with me.

Surely you’re not going to practice discretion now?

I hadn't actually watched 'Entourage.' But I do understand that if you know and love that show, Jeremy Piven is about as good as it gets.