My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

When one realises one is asleep, at that moment one is already half-awake.

The faith of religion is belief on insufficient evidence.

The key to every human heart is love.

The dumbing down of the country reflects itself on Broadway. The shows get dumber, and the public gets used to them.

Developmental scientists like me explore the basic science of learning by designing controlled experiments.

I was lucky because logarithmic plots are a device of the devil.

The country cannot afford amateur hour in the White House.

There is no doubt that in exchanging a self-centered for a selfless life we gain enormously in self-esteem. The vanity of the selfless, even those who practice utmost humility, is boundless.

It is through chance that, from among the various individuals of which each of us is composed, one emerges rather than another.

I ended up doing amazing things with my life; I'm well-read, educated and sophisticated - and I'm not the stereotype everyone makes me out to be.