My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.

I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

Monkeys can't talk, stupid!

The only consistent response for a relativist is, "Pushing morality is wrong for me, but that's just my personal opinion, and has nothing to do with you. Please ignore me.

Sometimes it's the tiniest things that can mean the difference between life and death.

You would not ask someone with a broken arm to swim the English Channel, so you cannot demand that the broken to live as if they were whole.

The trick to finding writing time is to make writing time in the life you've already got.

As politics is disconnected from its ethical and material moorings, it becomes easier to punish and imprison young people than to educate them.

I am not confident that Europe can make it.

There's always haters, no matter what you're doing - whether they're complaining that everything you do sounds the same, or it's too different.

I'm definitely a pop artist at heart.

Because I have so much life on my pitches, I can get away with getting too much of the plate every now and then.