My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

In league with being graced by greatness, prepare to be greeted, by all that is beneath you.

Age is no better, hardly so well, qualified for an instructor as youth, for it has not profited so much as it has lost.

You're telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?

We have a certain warped sense of humor in Scandinavia, and that is what comes across in the choices in a lot of our movies.

I am in control at all times.

Federer said something interesting once. He said that he was watching Rod Laver, and me, and he said he was trying to copy us and to be like us. And that’s a great compliment for us.

The whole reason for Jazz at the Philharmonic was to take it to places where I could break down segregation.

I admit it: above all things, I fear absurdity.

I have a strong belief in God... I find religion to be a very personal thing... I am also very spiritual.

If the mind is not contrived, it is spontaneously blissful, just as water, when not agitated, is by nature transparent and clear.