My first phone was two tin cans tied together with string, and it worked pretty good.

If you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain.

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Storms make trees take deeper roots.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.

A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.

I'm on a seafood diet - I see food, I eat it.

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.

Writing is the only art form where a good number of the artists make a slice of their living criticizing one another in print, in public.

Let us say goodbye to winter to welcome the beauty of spring.

There will always be someone else with a different view than you. I appreciate them and would never say that they are wrong. I hope that they would give me that courtesy also.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

Many strange things happen in this world

They used to say that knowledge is power. I used to think so, but I know now they mean money.

The power of generalizing ideas, of drawing comprehensive conclusions from individual observations, is the only acquirement, for an immortal being, that really deserves the name of knowledge.

The Man of a Thousand Voices

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

The object of man's desire is not to enjoy once only, and for one instant of time; but to assure for ever, the way of his future desires.