My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I think, therefore I am an individual... not a drone in a collective. I think, therefore I am... Libertarian

One could call a master a good master because he did not whip his slaves, but ultimately he was still and owner of men, and men were not made to be owned.

A Liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

If you must break the law, do it to seize power: in all other cases observe it.

I do not take steroids. I never have. It's sad to me that people want to point fingers. I don't do that. That's not me. I wouldn't feel like a human being.

Every comic is really a frustrated rock star.

It’s like he has this power over me—like I have an eating disorder and he’s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.

If we are given a chance to go back to our youth, we won't go back, because we cannot give up our accumulated wisdom and we cannot give up things that belong to our time!

I think that an actor is more likely to be forgiven in the public's eye than an actress.

I mean the Internet is like the luckiest thing - we have everything at our fingertips right now.