My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I feel so very grateful to have the voice God gave me. It takes a lot of rest and training to sing, and I was lucky that I found a great teacher when I first moved to New York.

For the entire state of Georgia, having the premiere of Gone With the Wind on home ground was like winning the Battle of Atlanta 75 years late.

Giving up is not an option if we want to prevent irreparable harm to our planet.

I do think poetry needs to invite the reader, especially when there are so many other distractions while reading.

Final Ruin fiercely drives Her ploughshare o'er creation.

If everyone sincerely practices the path of compassion and wisdom, all their problems will be solved. I guarantee this.

If you want to stay youthful, stay useful.

One lawyer told me that he never drinks water or eats in front of the jury because they can't do either one.

If you're going to be a zombie in a movie, you go big or go home.

It was worth it. You looked... happy.