My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Many do not see that not to have dreams is far worse than seeing that their dreams do not come true.

The best way to die is when your living

Hope is an echo hope ties itself yonder yonder.

I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.

A man with his heart in his profession imagines and finds resources where the worthless and lazy despair.

There's a kind of slowness and inefficiency about rendering text in paint. We're in a world that's very fast, so things that slow you for a minute-give you pause-are good.

It's not the matter you cover so much as it is the manner in which you cover it.

The experiences show us just as we are; they make us see our own defects.

I could be compassionate, if I wanted. Metias would be merciful. But I was never as good a person as my brother.

I feel like my home is stage acting.