My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

They've drummed the miraculous out of you, but you don't want it to be like that. You want the miraculous. You want everything to still be new.

Old Scully, who according to Jennifer, hadn't the imagination to think the worst. Something she said once, as though neurosis was an artform.

Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery..

God leaves to our conscience the choice of the road we decide to follow, and the liberty of yielding to one or another of the opposing influences that act upon us.

If you think, you can become successful and you are willing to learn and work at success, one day you will become successful.

I've never been with an uncircumcised guy.

Somebody might get criticized for doing some movie that totally sucks, then turn around and be incredible. Every actor goes through that, not just musicians who act.

It's not the troubles we run into, it's what we do about them which determines their net effect upon our lives ... by the very act of trying, our spirit is making progress.

The key issue when you're looking at cost cutting is to always plan for the future.

They indeed are fools who are satisfied with the fruits of their past effort and do not engage themselves in self-effort now.