My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

No government can sell its nation on the backs of its people.

No riches from his scanty store / My lover could impart; / He gave a boon I valued more - / He gave me all his heart!

Fiscal policy, monetary policy, they need to work together to try and raise the level of growth.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Some of my films have caused riots, fights, and all kinds of things.

It was smashing working with Jerry Desmonde, he was a very nice chap.

I'm Liberace without a piano.

History, if thoroughly comprehended, furnishes something of the experience which a man would acquire who should be a contemporary of all ages and a fellow citizen of all peoples.

When everyone else says you can't, determination says,'YES YOU CAN.'

I'm not fashionable, and I know nothing about fashion, but I have my individual style, and style is eternal.