My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I have yet to figure out whether it is I am that am crazy, or the world.

Obamacare if failing, we're going to repeal it and we're going to replace it.

I just believe as a Christian, we are to show love; we are to show compassion to people, not to point the finger, not to do this, but to do this - to love them, to welcome them, to embrace them.

Am I like the optimist who, while falling ten stories from a building, says at each story, I'm all right so far?

You who are strong and swift, see that you do not limp before the lame, deeming it kindness.

A coward can be a hero, but a hero cannot be a coward.

It's always darkest before the dawn, Todd.” I look at him, baffled. “No, it ain't! What kinda stupid saying is that? It's always lightest before the dawn!

All over the world, belief in the supernatural has authorised the sacrifice of people to propitiate bloodthirsty gods, and the murder of witches for their malevolent powers.

I'm living my life and I found a woman who I love.

Many times through the ages, like as not the chance appears, but because of indecision, man's fond hopes are drowned in tears.