My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

everyday is a holiday somewhere in the world

No one can keep his griefs in their prime they use themselves up.

I like the body. I like to design everything to do with the body.

Only the one who does not question is safe from making a mistake.

Criticizing lawyers for lawsuits is like criticizing linebackers for knocking people down.

I am always baffled by age, but to be honest with you, I feel like I am about 34. I feel better now and I am certainly healthier than I was in my early 30s. I am more rounded too.

I just try to stay around the same people, stick around the same group.

What if I am wrong? Any rational investment plan has to start with that question.

I'm a very, very handsome man, and have had to come to terms with it... um, do I like the way I look? In the right light, and with a following wind.

Had the jury convicted on proper instructions it would be the end of the matter. But juries are not bound by what seems inescapable logic to judges.