My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I will say only this - when le prête is in the right mood, he can make even the devil afraid to turn his back

Early in my songwriting career, when I was learning a lot about writing songs, I'd force myself to sit down until I came up with something.

If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.

While I've had a great distaste for what's usually called song in modern poetry or for what's usually called music, I really don't think of speech as so far from song.

Gluten is this Generation's Tobacco

Everything he did was at least partial and often total bullshit” (402).

You have to decide whether you want to make money or make sense, because the two are mutually exclusive.

Conformity is the only real fashion crime

I'm a huge fan of James Dean, that got me started. Nowadays I smoke four packs in a day.