My hobbies just sort of gradually became my vocation.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

In order to show your best skills and talents-you must share them, or no one will ever know they exist- Lorenzo Victory

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

People want to evolve the idea of the word "mini-series." Mini-series has an '80s connotation to it.

You don't get lucky in sport.

Self-pity? I see no moral objections to it, the smell drives people away, but that's a practical objection, and occasionally an advantage.

Freedom is not overcoming what you think stands in your way. It is understanding that what is in your way is part of the way.

I like the way my heart beats, I like the way I think; I don't need or want anything to change that.

I like to have powerful enemies. Makes me feel important.

In fact, by universal grammar I mean just that system of principles and structures that are the prerequisites for acquisition of language, and to which every language necessarily conforms.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.