My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Stolen oranges also have Vitamin C. Likewise, a stolen salmon, too, has omega-3 fatty acids.

One of the Keith Commandments is that nothing is secret.

The execution of the laws is more important than the making of them.

Martial art has always been my first love.

Good salesmanship is nothing more than maximizing the positive and minimizing the negative.

I have used all the manure that has been thrown on me as fertilizer to make me stronger.

There is change in all things. You yourself are subject to continual change and some decay, and this is common to the entire universe.

No man is quick enough to enjoy life.

Management must speak with one voice. When it doesn't management itself becomes a peripheral opponent to the team's mission.

Overcome evil with good, falsehood with truth, and hatred with love. The message isn't new, but we haven't learned to live it yet.