My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

Welcome to thee, O sword of eternity!Through BuddhaAnd through Daruma alikeThou hast cleft thy way.

... go down to the country, take a house, get interested in local politics, in local scandal, in village gossip. Take an inquisitive and violent interest in your neighbours.

You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.

I feel an earnest and humble desire, and shall do till I die, to increase the stock of harmless cheerfulness.

Quick believers need broad shoulders.

I would never say I was an icon, but so many people have said I am, so I suppose I am. I mean, I can't not be what everyone says I am. But I don't feel like an icon.

Have you ever noticed that it takes a textbook dozens of pages to say what normal people can cover fast? Example: What was the full impact of World War II? Clear-cut teenage answer: we won.

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.

Send out love and harmony, put your mind and body in a peaceful place, and then allow the universe to work in the perfect way that it knows how.