My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Intrigued by that enigma, he dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest he found love, because by trying to make her love him he ended up falling in love with her.

We can only forgive the world to the extent that we forgive ourselves for being in it.

Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

We must have taken a wrong turn turning somewhere.""Where, Purgatory?" said Dozy. "We're in Hell.

Your truth isn't everybody else's truth.

Childhood is over the moment things are no longer astonishing.

My desk drawer is filled with all kinds of prayers.

This open resistance to [Parliament's] authority can only have found place among the lower and more ignorant of the people.

There are definitely things about 'Legendary Child' that echo the music we did earlier in our career. It's got the right stuff.

Forget not that thy marriage, thy wealth, thy life are not for sense-pleasure, are not for thy individual personal happiness.