My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Time is the first currency for success and one we all hold in common.

I've heard, "We live in a world of diminishing returns, when what we give we'll never get back." I say, "What we give returns to us in like-kind 400 times.

I didn't want kids to think that to be happy, they had to be famous or rich or live in the big city.

We make our customs lightly; once made, like our sins, they grip us in bands of steel; we become the creatures of our creation.

An experiment disproving a prediction is discovery.

But what is worse, smelling the roast and not feasting, or not smelling the roast at all?

...the more a person becomes spiritually minded or advances towards God, the more tolerant he becomes and the less differentiation he sees.

The balance between confidence and humility is best learned through extensive experience and mistakes.

Only poetry can address grief.