My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Jude was good. But he let his fear and jealousy get to him." Daniel shrugged. "'Fear leads toanger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.

Probably no invention came more easily to man than Heaven.

War, hate, jealousy, racism - what are they but manifestations of fear?

I don't want tea, I want justice!

I write for the still, small possibility of justice.

I think that people always get what they deserve - whether you're around to see it or not.

I’m suspicious of the notion of a single book that would benefit everyone to read.

When an American heiress wants to buy a man, she at once crosses the Atlantic. The only really materialistic people I have ever met have been Europeans.

Do you suppose that God has any need of our works? What God needs is the resoluteness of our will.

A good teacher explains, while a great teacher inspires