My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Frailty, thy name is human!

...you can ruin your credit in one seemingly responsible afternoon, but rebuilding it takes years.

I hardly even leave my own house.

The sole cause of all human misery is the inability of people to sit quietly in their rooms.

Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote.

For example at the moment there is a compulsory requirement to buy an annuity. That is something we would get rid of. It puts some people off saving.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

Furthermore, they were constantly informed by all the camp authorities that they had been abandoned by the world: they were beggars and lucky to receive the daily soup of starvation.

You don't need to know how the Universe will rearrange itself.

We're not like the distance guys. I have a very simple approach. I don't overcomplicate. People ask me, are you doing 42 steps, 44 steps for 100 metres? I don't know.