My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

I feel my heart break to see a nation ripped apart by it's own greatest strength - it's diversity.

The fact that there is a general belief in a future life is no evidence of its truth

A lot of people provide me with quotes. They suggest all kinds of things to say and I do, really, because I'm not very hip at all.

I learn about the highs and lows of living with the same mother for your entire life, about how no one can make you angrier, but how you can't really love anyone more.

It is jazz music that called me to be a musician and I have always sang the songs that moved me the most.

I don't like things to be the same. I like things to evolve.

Why is it that all cars are women? Because they're fussy and demanding.

True genius does not fulfill expectations; true genius shatters it.

I think reality TV is so popular because it makes everyone in the country feel like, 'Hey, I can be on TV. I can be a star overnight.' I think America also has a little voyeurism in their hearts.