My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Forgiveness does not change the past, that’s for sure, but it does change the future.

No longer do I fear. No longer do I let others define me. I know what I am. What I'm capable of. That I'm a girl... a woman who will fight to survive.

Cardiovascular disease is a major complication of diabetes.

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

A ship's a fool to fight a fort.

Whatever you do not employ, you forfeit.

Comic-Con has been an amazing experience. It's overwhelming, I have to admit, because of the lines and the crowds.

The very aim and end of our institutions is just this: that we may think what we like and say what we think.

NATO's got a vital role to play. It's very important that we protect NATO.

The more I focused on my need to get better the worse I actually got - the more neurotic and self-conscious and self-absorbed I became.