My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I don't believe everything "is meant to be." I believe God wants to direct our steps, but our free will makes for a lot of detours.

Information technology departments must spend enormous amounts of time and money worrying about integrating big computer systems with billions of pieces of customer data.

Dogs don't make mistakes.

By seeing differently, we do differently

The motion of the stars over our heads is as much an illusion as that of the cows, trees and churches that flash past the windows of our train.

I am so used to being able to express myself from being an actor. So when people don't understand me, I'm just completely lost.

Everything is acting.

I never feel like a smug or a smart-alec film director, and there are plenty of those around.

Fragile egos are put on the line every day.

Karma is not just about the troubles, but also about surmounting them.