My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself

All of us - who might have probed space, or cured cancer, or built industries - were, instead, black victims of the white man's American social system.

You need to be clever to best him. Are you clever, Rach

If we are unduly absorbed in improving our lives we may forget altogether to live them.

We have so much to cover and so little time to cover it. Howard Gardner refers to curriculum coverage as the single greatest enemy of understanding. Think instead about ideas to be discovered.

There is nothing in this world that does not have a decisive moment.

Few people know this about me, but I love baking pies.

Everyone says social media is a unicorn, but maybe it’s just a horse?

Wine stimulates the mind and makes it quick with heat; care flees and is dissolved in much drink.

Every spirit builds itself a house; and beyond its house, a world; and beyond its world a heaven. Know then, that the world exists for you: build, therefore, your own world.