My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Never lose a holy curiosity.

I feel like the fellow in jail who is watching his scaffold being built." (On construction of reviewing stands for inauguration of his successor John F Kennedy)

I will love you all my life and when I die I will still love you through eternity and beyond.

Honestly, I'm more into the computer, the Internet, and checking out scores or the news.

The sensation of falling into the past is not unlike that of coming home for the holidays.

Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith.

What I still ask for daily-for life as long as I have work to do, and work as long as I have life.

A good painter needs only three colours: black, white and red.

I began to think that if you're a stutterer, it's about inhabiting silence, emptiness, and nothingness.

If men could be contented to be what they are, there were no fear in marriage.