My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

If not now, then when?

Life on this planet on its own is temporal. So tell me why you think your problems are permanent. No condition is permanent.

Every time you try to block a thought out of your mind, you drive it deeper into your memory. By resisting it, you actually reinforce it.

I was a surrogate for Obama; I helped fundraise. I'm still a supporter.

People aren't born strong. people grow stronger little by little, encountering difficult situations learning not to run from them.

Those who really seek the path to Enlightenment dictate terms to their mind. Then they proceed with strong determination.

A samagra gramsevak must know everybody living in the village and render them such service as he possibly can.

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.

Jay Z and President Bush have a lot in common, that same brash confidence

War ought to be no man's wish.