My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

An author must gorge himself on ten thousand images to select the magical one that can define a piece of the world in a way one has never considered before.

China's stock market is not very big. And yet when stock market has a bad day in China, it seems, Europe has a bad day and then we have a bad day.

I thought a forest was made up entirely of trees, but now I know that the foundation lies below ground, in the fungi.

I'm just showing my personality in my clothing.

I will not say I am sorry, but I can tell you that I grieve.

Clever people are always the best conversations lexicon.

When the frontier between God and man, the last inexorable barrier and obstacle, is not closed, the barrier between what is normal and what is perverse is opened.

Some beliefs are rigid, like the body of death, impotent in a changing world. Other beliefs are pliable, like the young sapling, ever growing with the upward thrust of life.

We never had it as rough as the kids have it today. Look at the price of a gallon of gas or a piece of real estate or a college education.

We are governed by sympathy; and the extent of our sympathy is determined by that of our sensibility