My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

The world is dark, and light is precious.Come closer, dear reader.You must trust me.I am telling you a story.

Not a lawyer but carries within him the debris of a poet.

Privacy is one of the biggest problems in this new electronic age.

When I auditioned for 'Wedding Crashers, ' the producers had never seen any of my other work except for Bond. I got 'Wedding Crashers' partly because I was a Bond girl.

Who do you think controls the Republican Party? Big money controls the Republican Party. This is where their campaign contributions come from.

Well the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount, But nothing really matters much it's doom alone that counts.

I thought the best thing to do would be nothing, and in that way things couldn’t get any worse.

Jazz changes and all. But I don't know the names of what it is I'm doing.

I was born into a very important family in Japan. My grandfather was a descendant of the Emperor, and we were very wealthy.

If you walk, just walk. If you sit, just sit. But don't wobble.