My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

You choose who gets your attention, and you don’t have to give it to anyone who makes you feel like crap. Period.

Though statisticians in our time have never kept the score man wants a great deal here below and Woman even more.

Before I get out of bed, I am saying thank you. I know how important it is to be thankful.

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!

Slander is perhaps the only vice which no circumstance can palliate, as well as being one which we are most ingenious in concealing from ourselves.

Hockey is like a religion in Montreal. You're either a saint or a sinner; there's no in-between.

The environment isn't over here. The environment isn't over there. You are the environment.

No place of grace for those who avoid the Face. No time to rejoice for those who walk among noise and deny the Voice.

America and Europe are so different in the way they conceive of themselves and art and cinema.

I am the product of the masses of my country and the product of my enemy.