My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When a dog is drowning, everyone offers him a drink.

I've always believed clear-eyed sobriety was for the harder hearted.

The union of church and state put the church under a political control... The church was thoroughly subordinated to the state.

I think Patsy Cline made country music classy. She just opens her mouth, and it's just heavenly.

Bankers, they're not harmed by their mistakes. They benefit when things go right, and the society pays the price.

Politicians often lie.

Man is a hating rather than a loving animal.

It's so important to forgive people for their wrongs in your own life because every bit of it was for a reason-it was to form the person that you are.